While I was there it was crazy going back and visiting because part of me felt as though I had never left and then part of me felt like I knew nothing going on. Which I dont. It is crazy looking around and seeing all the new faces and knowing that I am someone now, who in the past I looked at and said who is that on the campus and someone else answered, thats "so in so" they graduated last year. Just one of those crazy feelings. Well anyways. While being there it was so great to have so many wonderful conversations about life. Really being able to talk about what I have learned, am learning, and continuing to learn. Talking to so many friends about classes they are currently in that I have taken and they bringing things to my attention that I didnt even realize I have been using these months at home. It was so refreshing to talk about it. I knew I was using lots of it but never really talked about it.
One day while I was there I got to have coffee with the Pres. who has been a great example to me in my years there. :) As we talked I let him know all that has been going on the past 5 months I have been home. The wonderful things, the struggles, you know it all. As we talked he opened my eyes to realizing that so often we look at what we can only see and not the bigger picture. So much was going on in my job. There was this plus this plus that and I couldn't figure out what the right decision was to make. Was I feeling the wrong way or doing the wrong thing? As I talked to Pres. Ingram about all that has been going on he told me this story about one day when he was traveling. They were flying over a small town and people around him were asking what that town was because they were in awe of the beauty. He was fortunate enough to be able to tell them because it was a small town he used to live in and grew up in. He went on to tell me that later that day he sent an email to his parents telling them he flew over them today and what time he did also asking what they had been doing they went on to tell him. Point being at that time as they were doing what they were doing in their small town, whether it be in their office, at home, or visiting a friend, only seeing what was around them. But at the exact same time he was looking over the whole city. These past five months I had been looking at all these little details of my life when God is looking down on me seeing the big picture of what is coming up next. I am not going to lie it is scary to think about but so exciting at the same time to know that He knows what is coming next. I might have not gone through what I ideally had in mind at the time but it was preparation for me for the future. And I think that all this time that is what He was trying to teach me. To let him do the work in me He has always wanted to. It just took a few months to get me to see that and who knows when we will finally get there.
While I myself was flying home today I was listening to JJ Heller on my ipod today and her song Small came on came on. I am sharing these lyrics with you because so often I know I make God "small" in my life and want to take the reigns. It has been so cool learning to take a step back from my selfish thoughts and letting God take the reigns of my life. I want to do everything but make God small in my life, and I pray that we as Christians stop trying to be so selfish in wanting to make God who we want Him to be instead of who He already is.
SMALL:
Cardboard cutouts on the floor
People wish that you were more like what they wanted you to be
Eventually they won’t have much of you at all in their theology
The walls are closing in on you
You cannot be contained at all
I don’t want to make you small
I don’t want to fit you in my pocket
A cross around my throat
You are brighter than the sun
You’re closer than the tiny thoughts I have of you
But I could never fathom you at all
Broken moldings all around
Broken people hit the ground
When they discover that you’re not here for our benefit
You love in spite of us
You use the least of us to prove the strong aren’t really strong at all
Goodnight everyone! Sorry this post is so long!
So great seeing everyone in Kansas this weekend!
Much Love,
Bethanni
