Sister. Sister.

Most of you know that I am the youngest of three girls. I am four and five years younger then my sisters. I tried to find a picture of two girls together, like best friends, with a lil girl behind following, but I couldn't find one anywhere. Though that of course does not even sum up my childhood, but its something that I laugh about when I think about how that was in my childhood.But being so much younger then my sisters, and they being only 14 months apart, I was of course always the little sister and they never wanted me to play with them. :) Though this picture does not show any sign of that of course! And more importantly this blog has nothing to do with that, but simply express how blessed I am to be a younger sister of these two beautiful women.

These pictures crack me up! When I was little Brianna was always been the motherly figure, always telling me if I was doing something wrong, or what not. Brianna and I both have strong personalities, which used to cause a lot of arguments growing up, yelling at each other, slamming doors, the whole shebang. Britt and I of course did the same, only we got physical. We would yell and try to throw the girly punches or whatever you would like to call it! :) She was a feisty one, but I think she has transferred most of that to me :) Though I can go on and on about the crazy times that at that time we probably thought we hated each other, the typical sister fights, I am not going to! :) 

I cant tell you how amazing it is to be the younger sister of these women! I have had the wonderful opportunity to soak in every moment of it, learning from them. I have the ability to watch both of them completely love their spouses, and show me what it means to love. I have the amazing opportunity to watch them become amazing mothers to my wonderful nephews, and hopefully maybe nieces one day. :) Though I would love to take the credit for being so great with kids, I have to say I learned from the best! :) I am so excited to be able to use the things that I have learned and am still learning everyday from my sisters, when I am a mother. I have been able to watch them through some of their toughest times and some of their best times. Watching their strength shine through during those tough times, teaching me what it means to be a strong woman. I am not only so proud to be able to call them the mothers to my nephews but my sisters. I honestly do not know where I would be without them. There is nothing in the world like a SISTER, and I have been more then blessed to have two of them in my life. Not only now do I think of them has sisters, but two of my best friends. Thank you sisters for continually encouraging me, being there to pick me up when I am down, sharing life with me, telling me when I am wrong, allowing me to learn from you, helping me to become a better woman, and simply loving me. Love you both more then words can even express!

When You're Given a Lemon...Make Lemonade.

I have been home for over a year now and looking back it is crazy to see how the year has gone. learning so much about every aspect of life. I have struggled a lot with contentment, in the fact that as I reflect I realize I am never satisfied with where I am at. While in Kansas I wanted so bad to be home and with my friends and family here, and now while home I would love to be with my friendships there again. I'm trying to find a meeting place in the middle, though its hard and a part of life I think that I am starting to get here. I am by no means unhappy here. I am at the happiest I have been in a long time. Being home with my family and finally getting to watch my nephews grow is simply indescribable. 

I have learned so much about my friendships. Friends come through friends, family, through work, through acquaintances and from all over the place. Friends come and go. If you know me at all you know how much my friendships mean to me, they always have and they always will, and that I find so much joy in doing things for those friends. I failed the past few years with expressing that to many of my friends. I knew it was missing but at the same time I had no desire to really do anything about it. Some of my best friends have been some of my worst friends at times, but I think about the worst of times and the fact that we made it through makes us the best of friends we are today. I invest my relationships now not to have them go away in the future. The past few months have been an eye opener for me. As I have watched what has happened in my relationships, I have been hurt but I have also been blessed. As I have been hurt I have seen the friendships who have stepped in and been there for me. The ones who arent just there because its convenient at the time, but the ones who are challenging me to be a better person everyday. My best friends know who they are and why they are who they are. Its amazing to me that some of my best friends can be so far away and we barely talk but they are the ones that I know I can have a genuine conversation with and are helping me to become a better person.  I have come to realize more and more that people let you down. i have let people down myself. Sucky part about being human, but its no excuse. I have thought about what it really means to have a best friend, what it entails? though i might not have all the answers now I think I have a good grasp, and those are the ones I will invest my time and relationships in. Not that the other ones dont matter, but ultimately if its all about fun and games, then how is that benefiting not only myself but their lives too? after all, what does it really mean to live life to the fullest and take apart of every opportunity. because for most its going to be completely different. and are our answers the right ones? Though I often fall short of my purpose to serve, love, and praise God, I know that I need the relationships to help me get there. Friendships change and that is a part of life, but I have seen myself become a better person because of it too, whether the change be good or bad. i have often allow full trust in someone I have simply just met or someone who might not deserve it, and simply get let down, and I beat myself up for it. I have been trying to learn the balance but still have not quite gotten there. As I am getting older its almost as though it happens more often. its inevitable and its not something that i can get away from, but can simply learn from.

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another"

.Small.

I just got back from a great weekend in the little apple where this beauty was shown all over. I absolutely love the fall in the midwest. There is nothing better then taking a walk in perfect weather and looking at all the beautiful red, green, orange, and yellow trees. Something that I often wish we had in Phoenix, seasons. 


While I was there it was crazy going back and visiting because part of me felt as though I had never left and then part of me felt like I knew nothing going on. Which I dont.  It is crazy looking around and seeing all the new faces and knowing that I am someone now, who in the past I looked at and said who is that on the campus and someone else answered, thats "so in so" they graduated last year. Just one of those crazy feelings. Well anyways. While being there it was so great to have so many wonderful conversations about life. Really being able to talk about what I have learned, am learning, and continuing to learn. Talking to so many friends about classes they are currently in that I have taken and they bringing things to my attention that I didnt even realize I have been using these months at home. It was so refreshing to talk about it. I knew I was using lots of it but never really talked about it. 


One day while I was there I got to have coffee with the Pres. who has been a great example to me in my years there. :) As we talked I let him know all that has been going on the past 5 months I have been home. The wonderful things, the struggles, you know it all. As we talked he opened my eyes to realizing that so often we look at what we can only see and not the bigger picture. So much was going on in my job. There was this plus this plus that and I couldn't figure out what the right decision was to make. Was I feeling the wrong way or doing the wrong thing? As I talked to Pres. Ingram about all that has been going on he told me this story about one day when he was traveling. They were flying over a small town and people around him were asking what that town was because they were in awe of the beauty. He was fortunate enough to be able to tell them because it was a small town he used to live in and grew up in. He went on to tell me that later that day he sent an email to his parents telling them he flew over them today and what time he did also asking what they had been doing they went on to tell him. Point being at that time as they were doing what they were doing in their small town, whether it be in their office, at home, or visiting a friend, only seeing what was around them. But at the exact same time he was looking over the whole city. These past five months I had been looking at all these little details of my life when God is looking down on me seeing the big picture of what is coming up next. I am not going to lie it is scary to think about but so exciting at the same time to know that He knows what is coming next. I might have not gone through what I ideally had in mind at the time but it was preparation for me for the future. And I think that all this time that is what He was trying to teach me. To let him do the work in me He has always wanted to. It just took a few months to get me to see that and who knows when we will finally get there. 


While I myself was flying home today I was listening to JJ Heller on my ipod today and her song Small came on came on. I am sharing these lyrics with you because so often I know I make God "small" in my life and want to take the reigns. It has been so cool learning to take a step back from my selfish thoughts and letting God take the reigns of my life. I want to do everything but make God small in my life, and I pray that we as Christians stop trying to be so selfish in wanting to make God who we want Him to be instead of who He already is. 


SMALL:
Cardboard cutouts on the floor
People wish that you were more like what they wanted you to be
Eventually they won’t have much of you at all in their theology
The walls are closing in on you
You cannot be contained at all

I don’t want to make you small
I don’t want to fit you in my pocket
A cross around my throat
You are brighter than the sun
You’re closer than the tiny thoughts I have of you
But I could never fathom you at all

Broken moldings all around
Broken people hit the ground
When they discover that you’re not here for our benefit
You love in spite of us
You use the least of us to prove the strong aren’t really strong at all 


Goodnight everyone! Sorry this post is so long!
So great seeing everyone in Kansas this weekend!


Much Love, 
Bethanni

5 Months Later

Five months ago I graduated college. I thought I knew everything that was going to happen in my life and I had this "perfect" picture of what my life was going to look like. I had everything planned out. Now here I am 5 months later and a lot has changed and my life looks completely different then I ever had imagined. My transition of life wasnt all that I had planned it to be. The more and more I think about it I wonder if all that I had planned I think about was it MY plan for my life or was it the Lords plan for my life that I am now trying to deny and run away from. As I am still trying to figure that out I am also living life day by day going through the motions but really trying to figure out what is next and try to really give my life over to God and allow Him to use me wherever it is he wants me. I have yet to figure it out exactly but thats where I am getting and you will be traveling that journey with me.

I have never been much of a journaler/blogger so maybe this is a way to write out my thoughts and really know what is next. So if you follow you will read thoughts of mine, crazy stories that happen in my life, and just simply things about me. :)


Goodnight Friends!
Bethanni